When you don’t have the strength to lift your eyelids, ask for help?

Submitted by windupkitty September 3rd, 2011
Certifikitsch Winner

OK, the last time I was in LA, I clicked on the groupon sight (for the first time ever) while searching for a deal for my friend and I . Thanks to endless cyberspace harassment, I’ve been privy to an impressive barrage of “email alerts” for any crappy “deal” within a 10 million mile radius of Los Angeles. This, however takes the cake. And,ok, it might be why I never liked living LA when I did so many years ago….BUT it IS why I kind of love groupon now…..ya just gotta love this…

I get it. Trust me. I really do get it. Aging sucks. Witnessing your own physical deterioration and feeling the effects thereof is a complete bummer. I happened to do a hefty bit of aging overnight (with rapid decline to follow) and the results have not only been extremely unattractive but also not so much fun. Fo’ Realz. But ya know, if ya ask me, surgery is worse. I’m not passing judgement here; I’m just not that way. But I can say that I’ve had some fairly barbaric things done to me in order to save my life and I can’t imagine electing to throw in a few more for recreational purposes.

AND THEN, you throw a coupon at me….it does make you think twice! It’s like getting an extra tube of toothpaste for free, right?!?!?! LIke a deal on day old bread or gasoline that’s 10 cents cheaper if you drive an extra 6 miles. Just a little scary shit done to your face and at a reduced price!!! Who can pass up a deal!?!?!?! Such a dilemma. Or, well, not really. It’s not my thing even though I admittedly and wisely avoid mirrors.

Frankly, I hope my animal friends and the people I love (who are many and you know who you are) remember the way that I loved them and (hopefully!) made them laugh, not my eyelids.  Of course, if they do someday reminisce about what closes over my eyeballs, I hope they represent those thin flaps of skin accurately: puffy, tired, creased by smiles, laughter,worry and sometimes sadness but not ever, even with the option, at a discount….Crap, I’m probably passing up something good here…when oh when will this go on sale again?????? Something tells me that Groupon is on top of it….

6 Responses to “When you don’t have the strength to lift your eyelids, ask for help?”

  1. Allee Willis

    First of all, I’ve always said I’m going out as natural as I came in. I’m so interested in process I would never interfere with the human one.

    Second, what kind of bad copywriter could only come up with an aging line by comparing yourself to a brontosaurus femur?

    Third, is this coupon for a eyebrow lift or a mirror?

    Fouth, get that flower out of the way.

    Fifth, too many Stepford Wive-looking automatrons walking around already. Take that Groupon coupon and stick it where the sun don’t shine, probably one of the only remaining placees these surgery happy gals have anything natural anyway.

  2. windupkitty

    I hear ya bout going natural. I hate to sound like I’m passing judgement on others but personally I think the idea of recreational face and body hacking is nothing short of completely f’ing insane.

    The only plastic surgeons I’ve ever known personally were a husband and wife team who did reconstruction for victims of bombings. Now that makes sense to me. But every time I see some advert for some money hungry Dr of Screw-On Boobs, I just a little fire in my belly.

    Maybe it’s because I think Drs have the responsibility to protect and care for their patients, not profit from their insecurities. And maybe it’s because I feel bad for the person who feels bad enough to go under the knife. It’s not that I disapprove of the patient’s decision, it’s just that it worries me and makes me feel sad. Maybe that patient needs more hugs and love rather than a new nose, ya know?

    As for Groupon actually posting a discount coupon for an eye lift, whatever the hell that is (I really have no clue!), well, that couldn’t be a better summation of the business, if ya ask me! Kitschy as hell and exactly where this stuff belongs…

    Like I said, I have no idea what an eye lift is, but I do have a question: how does one even f’ing consider messing with such a small body part? Like, how did some one decide that eyes needed to be lifted? That has got to be ONLY a money making thing that someone in need of dough cooked up over a couple of drinks! I have to think that the average person does not sit down and consider what can be done to every millimeter of skin on his/her body. Who thinks this shit up and introduces his/her ideas to the masses unless it’s for personal financial gain?!

    AS for experiencing physical decline, yeah it’s no fun. I live in a body that doesn’t look good (which trust me, I get it. It sucks. Who doesn’t want to look good?!) and I can assure you it doesn’t feel good either, but I don’t think I could ELECT to hurt it, even though I want to slap it now and then, if not escape it completely (it does frustrate the hell out of me!).

    The other thing is that my recent experience of the results of such surgeries is enough to make me turn tail and run! The last time I was in LA , I took my beloved friend to hair styling place on Melrose. After waiting a bit, I stepped outside to make a phone call and as I was coming back in, I held the door for a woman I figured was in her 20s or 30s as I could only see her from behind. She turned to thank me and flashed the single most monstery face I’ve ever seen in my life.

    Bleached blonde hair, lips were huge and somehow smeared looking as well as stationary, eyes were at the same time appearing to be both big AND small AND fixed in her head like an owl’s, her forehead was smooth and the skin on her face just looked both wrinkled and yet, NOT.

    It was so weird and shocking that I took a step back and I’m sure the shock registered on my face. I then felt really bad. She was very nice and polite and all I could think was that she needed to have someone sit her down and tell her how beautiful she really is before she decided to hand her credit card over to some nutty face butcher. Maybe she needed a good cry, or a road trip with a good friend, or a piece of chocolate, or a cuddle from an animal companion, or to yell at some a-hole who left her feeling small and ugly, but I’m 99.9% sure she didn’t need to have her face attacked by someone with a knife and poisonous injectables.

    I don’t know, my opinions are very clear here, I guess. I always think that people should do what’s best for themselves and maybe I have something to learn from those who elect to do such things. To be honest, I AM truly curious to know their perspectives and opinions. I don’t think someone could sway my feelings though. And I admit that I’m glad, QoK, that you’re going out the same. You remain one of the loveliest people I’ve ever known, with one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen and second only to the undeniable sparkle, my favorite thing about your eyes is that they lift by themselves :D

    Meanwhile, I bet there’s an ass surgery, but I do agree that Groupon should personally keister this coupon and walk around day and night with the effects thereof until it has to be removed by a discounted surgical procedure. Good luck with that, Groupon. Let us know how it works out! :D

  3. Mark Milligan

    There’s a coffee shop with a little outside patio on North Bedford in Beverly Hills. It’s near an office that I go to for my job. The first time I stumbled on to it, just stopping by to have a cup of coffee and a muffin, it was because it was on my way and I was too early for my meeting. As I sat there, I realized it was one of the best viewing spots for people watching on the planet. The coffee shop is right where Dr. Robert Rey’s office is (Dr. 90210.) He came in for a hot drink in scrubs, was chatting up the servers, and pretty much acted like he was running for office. As he looked at me, I couldn’t read what it was he thought I should have done, so maybe he just was curious if it was actually a face. He was proceeded and followed by people in scrubs that were the most unbelievable parade of barbie dolls I’d ever seen. And here I sat, in a suit, fat, and middle aged. I was the rarity. The outdoor area to sit and enjoy your joe is adjacent to the entrance to the parking garage where one can enjoy the cars coming and going, so I sit on that side, probably because everybody who’s anybody firstly doesn’t sit outside to enjoy the show, and second, the noisy cars probably keep most sane folks on the other end of the patio. A couple of years ago when a co-worker and I were enjoying a latte, a bright red sports car came out of the good Doctor’s parking garage, and because of the traffic on Bedford, had to wait, and wait, and wait some more to exit the garage. This was a car so exotic, that it’s occupant actually drove from a position far below us as we sat at sidewalk level. My buddy has had some show business experiences, and apparently is keen to seeing the famous. I was caught up in busily studying the blueberry in my muffin. So he had to point out that it was Fabio in the Ferrari. When I looked down, there he was, 6 feet away from me, and a good two feet below me. Finding the situation so entirely surreal, rather than do a spit take, I began to choke on my muffin crumbs. A quick chug of the java, and all was well. I had to look away as my bright red puffy irish face shook with surpressed laughs. As they say, some are built for comfort, some are built for speed.

  4. windupkitty

    Yeah Mark, I’m with you on the people watching. People watching has always been my default? preference? since by nature I’ve always been on the quieter/shy side….especially in large groups…I always worry that I come across as a total dick or arrogant or something…I often find myself people watching at parties rather than participating partly just cause I’m taking things in and making memories that way too. Nothing more valuable than good memories.

    LA is a fabulous place to people watch, especially because it’s been my impression that people there WANT you to watch them…I’ve never been anywhere where there are so many people looking around to see who is taking notice of them…

    That Fabio story is hilarious! My recent trips to LA this year (small fun road trips for the first time in 11 years!) have been so much fun. Partly because I’ve been in the company of the finest people in the world and partly because LA really is a fascinating place to be. It really IS like the tabloid magazines, you really DO see stars cruising around , and there really ARE palm trees lining the streets! And everybody is so good looking it gets boring, if you ask me…

    The plastic surgery culture down there is no joke either and frankly, I’d rather see a “puffy irish face” choking on a blueberry muffin than a frozen faced barbie-bot created by some money hungry Dr of Facilitated Insecurities who likes to make living Francis Bacon portraits out of the vulnerable masses. I guarantee I would have been laughing with you had I been there (whether I knew you or not!) :)

    I think what weirds me out too, is that people are so freaked out about being “fat and middle aged” when really, it is such a privilege to make it that far. I mean, yeah, I had a couple of good weeks when I was 26. It was fabulous! I was adorable! I got asked out and was fit and strong. I’m not gonna knock it! :) I would LOVE to still look and feel that way!

    Experiencing decline is no fun. But hacking away at yourself just does not seem to be a solution to me. And the truth is, not a lot of people get to make it that far. So man, you can’t knock that either! I never thought I’d make it to middle age. I can complain and whine and do my daily self loathing exercises since that’s kind of habitual and comfortable (like a warm hug!) :) , but I am so thankful that I get to stay here awhile longer. It’s been an f’ing privilege to be here.

    Today I had yet another Dr appt with a REAL Dr….He is one of the finest people who has ever lived. I’m eternally in debt to the universe for his stellar care and attention, not to mention overall kindness,good humor and honesty (he’s not jsut a fabulous Dr/researcher, but also a really nice and wonderful guy)…Oh and then there’s that little thing where he saved my life…During my appt he didn’t mention anything about me needing to rearrange my face…go figure…

    And right now I’m sitting between 2 cats, both sound asleep, and I wouldn’t trade appreciating it for a nicer ass or a less puffy face…(Even though one of them has TERRIBLE gas!!!) UNLESS of course (in the interest of full disclosure) I was guaranteed a date with Fabio…OK I’m having a hard time even making that joke….now I feel yucky…

    Click on this but make sure you’re not eating while you listen…it might make you choke again and will at least make your skin crawl…good luck..stay puffy and keep laughing your ass off…that’s the stuff that makes us age well…