The Crackerjack Kid

Submitted by DrDan November 24th, 2010
Certifikitsch Winner

I am Dr Dan, Dan Dubelman, and also The Crackerjack Kid. I was a child-whore selling candy to other kids for The Man. I have already exceeded the life expectancy for a kid star, and I shifted my career into the high-paying field of blues music. I have never owned a lava lamp myself, but I would argue that I am a lava lamp, and as such it would be cruel to own my brother…To me being part of the Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch would be the culmination of a lifetime of work, I don’t just create a piece of Kitsch Art for people to look at, rather my life is Kitsch Art. It was either that or another royal wedding….

8 Responses to “The Crackerjack Kid”

  1. Allee Willis

    How impressed am I that you were actually The Crackerjack Kid?! I would’ve loved that gig as a kid. Did they give you lots of free Crackerjacks? Do you still eat Crackerjacks? And were you in any other commercials or shows that we should know about in your former life as a child whore selling candy for The Man?

    I’m most happy to welcome you into the hallowed halls of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch. We love our child stars here!

    • DrDan

      What is THAT suppose to mean “were”? I AM The Crackerjack Kid! Do you think i took my role lightly? I lived it. To this day, I rarely eat anything else, and my collection of crackerjack prizes rivals even the greatness of your museum. Needless to say, I could NEVER be disloyal and represent any other brand. I think I may have mentioned how seriously I take my title, as The Crackerjack Kid, but let me reiterate that compromising my values might negatively impact the brand that has provided me the the opportunity to gain admission into this Great Hall.

      I’d humbly like to remind you of an era when there were only 3 networks, and Jack Gilford and I would enter into your living room, and leave you with a warm feeling that only a the pretend family can really provide. I think I speak for the Great Jack Gilford (RIP!) when I say, we will always be proud to be your pretend family: he will be your grandfather and I will be your little brother. I knew there was a way to transcended death, and through this great honor, now that I am one of YOUR child stars, and a member of The Allee Willis Museum Of Kitsch, my dream is fulfilled…

      • Allee Willis

        Well, it’s pretty obvious to me that we need to see your collection of CrackerJack prizes here. I have no doubt that you have a great one and my ears always prick up when someone says something like “my collection of crackerjack prizes rivals even the greatness of your museum”.

        I’m more than happy to have a permanent pretend family here at AWMOK. Please please please photograph some of your CrackerJack prizes so that we may all bask in its glory.

        • DrDan

          This is the kind of collection that no one is allowed to see. In fact, I never have seen it. These prizes don’t represent “possibilities,” they are possibilities. My ex-wife saw it once and it ruined our marriage, and that was the last time anyone has seen it. Like I said, I wouldn’t dare look at it myself. I have no need to be turned into a pillar of salt, than I already am…

          Please note I have bequeathed it to the museum one the Maya New Year of 2012, just in case…

    • DrDan

      I feel so lucky to have had a chance to work with Jack. It feels like I am the last generation to have worked with the Vaudeville guys! He really taught he a lot. When I was a kid I attended an event at NATAS in NYC. Jack was speaking, and he was very sweet. he introduced me as, “one of his favorite co-stars.” I waited until he asked for questions, and of course he picked me first.

      “Why did they put your name ahead of mine of the Gold Lion,” I asked.

      Jack made the perfect expression, and the room exploded with laughter! Of course, like most child stars, I was taken into a dark room a beaten shortly after that, but it got me use to the music business, so let’s all say THANKS!

  2. denny

    Welcome to Dan! You are the man and I hope one day I can shake the hand that sold one of my favorite child hood snacks!

    Blues and cracker jacks. Sounds like a pretty tasty combo to me.

    • DrDan

      The deep honor of representing the Crackerjack product is almost more than I can handle. The lifetime of responsibility would probably be too much for the average person. But I was put on this earth to sell Crackjacks, and , by God, that’s what I intend to do. And, no matter what it costs me: money, wives, unborn children, fame, even going to jail if that’s what the prize brings, then that’s what I will do.

      You can have a Tea Party if you want, but I intend to bring sweet candy to the world. I will keep my faith, I will say no to other snack foods. You with your chocolate bars, your gummy bears, and your red hots – go ahead eat your snacks! I will be gnawing on peanuts and candy-coated popcorn, always looking, always searching for that special prize, the special prize that will be bring me home, the special prize that finally delivery me to you.

      with love,
      The CrackerJack Kid,
      aka, Dr Dan
      send me a private message for my female name