Christmas Cakes

Submitted by Iamfluff December 21st, 2010
Certifikitsch Winner


Everyone hates Fruit cake and I love underdogs. I also love kittens and I do cat rescue. Caring for adorable kittens has softened my brain to the point where I easily anthropomorphize everything. I couldn’t help but notice how fruit cakes often go uneaten and unloved; they are the homeless orphans of the cake world, it was time for me to rescue them. Fruit Cake is also a slang term for “crazy person” so it seemed the natural choice for my baked gifts this year.

I wanted to do mine in the olde English tradition which involves a substantial amount of work. But this effort seemed well worth it for something that may be stored and re-gifted for many years to come.

I started these the first week of November. I made a non traditional fruit cake, using just a spice cake base and avoiding those fruits that have the consistency of cartilage. I used, instead, dried pineapple, mango, walnuts and chocolate chunks. Then the cakes were “fed” for the following weeks with rum. Once a week they were taken out of their paper wrap and tins for a drink of rum. I used a spray bottle.

About a week ago, I covered each of them in a layer of rolled Marzipan. I made my own Marzipan (Note to others: Heed the warning signs that your electric mixer has had enough fun and it is time to knead your Marzipan by hand. Warning signs include sparks and smoke. Failure to pay attention may result in a new mixer going on your list for Santa). Then I let them sit and harden for at least three days so the oils in the Marzipan would dry and not stain the nice white your royal icing which is the last step. I frosted all of the cakes and applied edible glitter and plastic toys while the frosting was still wet (I searched long and hard to find the kitschiest). I then put them in cardboard boxes while the Royal icing hardened into a durable cement-like finish. Sadly, one box was sat upon by one of my many cats resulting in the “sunken elves” scene shown in the detail.

When finished, the added bonus of this cake is that it can also be used as a weapon. A mugger might think anyone carrying a cake is an easy target but this cake is much like a cinder block and can be used to crack their skull if need be while still retaining it’s structural integrity and staying yummy. These cakes are both festive and fight crime.

As you can see, I’ve made several of these as gifts in three sizes. I have the traditional single layer for my friends, Christmas Cup Cakes for the people I don’t like all that much and the double layer for my wealthier friends that might lend me money in the new year. Candles on toothpicks (a lucky find at the 99 Cent Store) allows my family tradition of setting the cake alight to sing “Happy Birthday” to Baby Jesus as well as honoring the natal anniversay of my dog Trevor, who was also born on Christmas Eve.

This is my first submission, please be gentle.

30 Responses to “Christmas Cakes”

  1. Allee Willis

    Thank you so much for this detailed account of your Christmas culinary exploits! I always love a cake that can be used as a weapon! I also like that you have three different tiers of cakes for three different tiers of friendship. And, of course, it’s also always nice when a cake is fed rum for a straight week!

    Thanks so much for the blow-by-blow description. I love when descriptions are detail packed. Would love to see closer up shots of all the cakes though. If you have any you can e-mail them to me at [email protected] and I’ll insert them in the post. Or, better yet, you can submit them as separate posts as I’d love to see those elves up close. I also love the freestanding trees as opposed to just painting them on the cake with frosting. And I really want to see the candles on toothpicks, the lucky find at the $.99 store, as I can’t see evidence of those in the photo. Anything found at a $.99 store is an immediate favorite of mine

    Happy birthday, Trevor!!

        • Allee Willis

          Wow. Thank you so much, k2dtw. I just checked iamfluffy out myself and am elated to see a Fluffernutter aKitschionado amongst us!! I love Fluffernutter and have even captured it in a painting. As my alter ego, Bubbles the artist, one of my biggest selling paintings was Still Life: Lovely Peanut Butter On Celery Canapes. One person who commissioned me to do a version of it insisted on having Fluffernutter instead of peanut butter. I, I mean Bubbles was quite adept at applying mounds of blobby white paint. iamfluffy, do you collect Fluffernutter related things? Shouldn’t you frost some of your cakes with Fluffernutter?

          • Iamfluff

            While I actually did spackle a hole in the wall once with FLuff, I don’t think it quite durable enough (or lethal enough) for the Christmas Cakes. I Am Fluff, this is my nickname given to me by some very dear people who are no longer with us. Fluff is not to be confused with ORDINARY Marshmallow cream The manufacturers (Durkee Mower) insist that it has a “different mouth feel”. Every fall they have a “What the Fluff” festival which is quite kitschy. I would like to show some of my Fluff art at the next one (or before)
            On my little web site Under the tab marked “Fluffart” I have my Fluffart as a blog so you have to hit the “previous” button to get it all. It is all digital but I would like to print up canvases and add some “for real” paint. I don’t do a lot of collecting of anything lately because I have recently moved and all of my …stuff is in my garage. I’m trying to live uncluttered (for a little while at least)

            Fluff On Allee! Give My Regards to Bubbles!
            In Fluffernutterness,

      • k2dtw

        I’m in MI.. I Gotta try to find/buy some Fluff… and now that I just looked at the AW Kitschy Khristmas Shopping List #2..OMG Where are my car keys???…I Gotta go shopping…smile

        • windupkitty

          hmmm…i thought fluffernutters were sandwiches with marshmallow and peanut butter…..i remember the marshmallow in a jar, but can’t remember the name brand…

  2. windupkitty

    Wow, Fluff, if this is your first post, we’re in for some serious and most excellent posts!!!! Where on earth did you get those cake toppers (was it on earth?!)!!!! I haven’t seen anything like them in the states!!!!!!

    This post truly made my week as I happen to be missing the amazing cakes that my beloved Mum used to send from Ireland…..She’d change the recipe every year in the name of experimentation and boredom…One year, I had to use it as a door stop (true story!), but my favorite thing was the toppers, IF there were toppers……..

    Ok, that’s a FAVORITE thing was that the cakes were so full of booze that you could smell it through the postage box! There were always cakes like in the pantry year round….every so often, it would be time to booze up the cake…….didn’t matter what booze, just whatever was there(I’m a BIG fan of scotch, personally)…of course, they were the least bacterial cakes in the world despite the fact that they were years old….

    Man, could they warm you from the inside out….thanks for doing the same for me with this post! I owe ya one!

    • k2dtw

      I’ve been waiting/hoping you would find this new post from Fluff… pretty fun, huh??..
      Google gives a speed course on Fluff, made in Somerville, Mass… and their “What the Fluff Festival”….smile.

    • Iamfluff

      Oh boy! You GET it! Yes this is traditional Bristish style and yes they make excellent door stoppers! I was actually pretty late in starting mine, my mother used to start in October but she never did the hard shells on them.
      Keeping cakes going for years??? Hmmmmm… Very tempting. I’m actually disappointed in the small amount of booze these soaked up. I conspire to use a syringe to inject the one for my family with extra cheer on Christmas morning.
      BTW I am over the moon about the elf toppers! I really do want to make molds of them just in case I can no longer get them. CUTE seems to be an endangered species.

  3. stevenw

    As one of the brave holiday revelers who had the honor of attempting to eat one of Fluff’s Christmas Cakes, I can attest to both their beauty and durability.

    The magnificent mountain of near rock-solid confection was decorated with the requisite plastic Santa w/ sleigh and 3 reindeer, a Christmas Tree, and 2 Demonic elves peering over tiny gifts (that Son-of-Fluff later discovered were actually gift wrapped squares of foam rubber*).

    With hammer and chisel firmly in hand (or was it a Ginsu knife) Fluff herself did the honors and worked up a sweat as she cut her way through the odoriferous offering. Despite my nearly cracking a tooth on the “icing” which might make a decent replacement for spackle (far superior to Marshmallow Fluff…see above), the cake itself was delicious (a rich spice cake flavor) and would have complemented a well spiked coffee drink, if I’d had one. I recommend this recipe to anyone looking for a month long project going into the Christmas Season, particularly if your friends have very strong teeth.

    I give this cake 2 incisors up!

    *NOTE: Son-Of-Fluff unwrapped the teeny, tiny decorative package because he heard us say there was rum in the cake, and somehow became convinced that there were little wrapped boxes of rum in the decorations. We were all disappointed that there wasn’t.

    • Allee Willis

      Well, I’m totally jealous that I can’t sample that cake myself. Would definitely add to the Christmas cheer!

      From the way you’ve written your comment I certainly hope you’ll be posting stuff here at AWMOK. Kitschourifically descriptive!!